Recap, Refresh, Redirect

In my middle school days, I had an unhealthy addiction to Tetris.  After (or before) homework was complete and chores were done, I'd plop myself infront of our Mac LCii and watch the blocks fall to the Russian music.  I felt so accomplished when "Red" held the high score over "Pud."  And there was something cathartic about seeing everything aligned with no gaps or spaces.  As I've written this post over and over, I've had Tetris on the brain.  Not because I feel like I'm reworking my words into perfect rows of four, but because every time I get ready to press publish on this update a new piece of information appears that needs to be manipulated and placed into the bigger picture.  The blocks keep coming.  If I don't find a place for them, it all becomes a jumbled mess.  So I'm taking a moment to hit pause even though there are gaps and unknowns.  This post needs to go from edit to publish today.

First, a recap of where we're at right now.  Aurelia had a tough couple of months.  It started with some balance and speech issues, then what we thought were febrile seizures and a long night in the ER, followed by a diagnosis of absence seizures, followed by an extremely high fever, more seizures, trouble breathing, and a four day hospital stay.  Pause, take a deep breath, continue.  These events tabled a few things that were in the works (growth hormone treatment) and accelerated other things (gastric emptying study and an EEG).  The GREAT news is that we found out yesterday her EEG was seizure free and her seizure meds are working!  Now we will reenter the growth hormone conversation and continue to pursue a good way to pack the lbs on that skinny little kiddo.  And while all this was going on Joey came home (yep, he was gone for the seizures and hospital stay), we hosted Easter, visited Eastern Washington, started Aurelia's transition from birth-3 to preschool, and Marguerite was baptized.  See what I mean about lots of blocks?

And as I handle the blocks falling and hope it doesn't look like I'm frantically trying to line everything up, my sweet sister-in-law nominated me to receive a $50 gift card at And Then She Snapped.  I feel very special being nominated, and pleasantly surprised that I don't look like a train wreck all of the time.      Please follow the link and vote for me (#9). If I win, I promise I'll only buy super fun things.

Finally, I want to redirect your attention to Sevenly.  Each week, Sevenly promotes a different cause by designing limited edition apparel and accessories and donating $7 of every purchase to the featured organization.  Get it?  7 days, $7, Sevenly.  This week, the featured organization is Cure Uganda which provides shunt surgeries for Ugandan babies born with hydrocephalus.  Cure International holds a special place in our hearts as I was treated at Cure Afghanistan during my second miscarriage.  Plus, the Sevenly Shirts are super cute.  I'm going to order one tonight, I hope you do too.

Ok, I'm going to un-pause now.  But first I might go play a game a tetris.

Issues with Updates

Real life has really caught up with me recently.  The fragment sentence version is, "Two ER trips, four day hospital stay, heavy eyelids and shoulders."  That sounds like a haiku.  And I've wrestled with how to write about it all.  I've thought about not writing about it at all.  However, I keep coming back to my need to process, which I do best at a keyboard, or with a pen, or on this screen. 

The problem is that I don't do updates well, especially when they are tough ones.  I have a hard time knowing where to start, how much to share, and when to post when we're still in the thick of it all.  And I'll admit that sometimes I get a little whiny when I update.  Sometimes I feel the urge to complain, or feel sorry for myself, my daughter, my life.  Or I go the opposite direction and paint the rosiest "everything is just fine" picture I can muster.  I hear this little voice of conscience pinging in my head that things could be worse when I start to complain, or that I'm not being entirely honest when I say that life is easy peasy.  I want posts like this to help me move forward, not continue to stew.  I want an update post to help me relax the white knuckle grip I've been using to hold on to dear life.  And my hope is that something in these posts, any post, anything that I write, might touch a nerve of truth in any of you along for the journey.  That's the incredible thing about sharing life with others, isn't it?  We are not living the same scenario, but we can walk this road together if we are willing to let others come alongside us.

This morning I got a very sweet email from a person I don't know who found this blog while she was pregnant.  She thanked me for helping to calm her fears as she awaited the arrival of her daughter last fall.  It's a message that I am familiar with because I sent similar words to Jill, Kristen, and Lisa.  Women who are now dear friends.  But three years ago they were complete strangers, and I was carrying around the heavy burden of a strange word and new world called hydrocephalus.  I have thanked these women many times for sharing their stories with strangers.  They were/are a gift of hope and peace and examples of perseverance and joy.  And I am so thankful to walk this journey with them and the rest of my crew (that's you, readers).  

How's that for verbal processing?  There isn't even room for an update now.  But it's coming.  In fact, I've already written it.  Sometimes we need a good prologue to share the truth of the story to come.    

Beautiful Stories

Sleepless nights have been a norm around here recently.  Marguerite has had some sleep regression and Aurelia spent a night in the ER.  The long and short of it is that she had a few febrile seizures which are terrifying to watch, but most likely not damaging to her.  But I don't want to talk about seizures or sickness.  It's a beautiful day here.  And while I'm holed up with a sick child and a grumpy baby, I'd rather celebrate some of life's beautiful stories.  

Please read THIS lovely article about our friend and her husband.  Talk about redemption and beauty all rolled into a fantastic love story!  First Baptist Church Liberty City, Bro. Bruce Wells, and this family hold a special place in our hearts.  How fun to read about them all in the NY Times.

Social Media Gratitude

I am a social media grumbler.  Part of it might be that I have trouble overcoming this platform where heavy and trivial go hand in hand.  Where else can you view a post about a friend losing a spouse sandwiched by pictures of paleo pancakes and an update about last night's Downton?  Moments like that make my shoulders hurt.  Part of it might be that despite my recent 31st birthday, I am actually an 80 year old woman who complains about those darn kids and their newfangled ways.  I still don't know the purpose of a "tweet."  I have a pretty tenuous relationship with technology.  I'll always remember googling "facebook" with my friend Dawn back in 2006.  And part of it might be that social media can be this giant vortex that sucks up time and brain space.  There are moments where I want to sign off from all of it, shut down the blog, deactivate Facebook, downgrade my phone, and spend my days writing my first novel and brewing kombucha out of Nourishing Traditions.  However, at this moment I am filled to the brim with gratitude for social media.

On my 31st birthday I received over a hundred posts, texts, emails, likes, comments, etc, from well wishers all over the world.  I received greetings from six continents, from Kazakstan to Kenya, Beaumont to Burma.  I heard from aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, inlaws, mentors, roommates, neighbors, friends that I've known most of my life, friends that I've never met in person, people I haven't seen in years, people I saw just yesterday, people that I love dearly, and people that make me feel dearly loved. Some posts and texts made me laugh, some made me get little tears in my eyes from sweet words and many miles, all are still making me smile.  And I have to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  I feel so surrounded by a community that stretches from here to there, and it's a beautiful feeling.

Every inch of my life was present in simple words and comments on Saturday, from every stage, every home, every group.  I realize that this is only made possible by the social media I complain about so often.  And while I haven't come to terms with my grumbles, I do recognize that my birthday was made a very special day because you all took the time to make a quick post, call or comment.  So, I won't sign off, but maybe I will still try my hand at brewing kombucha and writing a novel.  It's good to know that whatever I decide to try out, I have a pretty spectacular crew of support.  Thank you all.

Happy Birthday, Mogwai

Goodness me!  Veteran parents have warned me countless times that it all goes by in a flash.  But we were spoiled with itty bitty Aurelia whose baby days lingered.  Marguerite is such a different story.  It's like I blink and she's grown an inch.  This baby is becoming a kid far too quickly.  Even though her birthday was a week ago, I still shake my head in disbelief that my little redhead is 1 year old.

And man, I love this kid.

She is our child who rolled over at six weeks, pulled to stand at 6 months, and walked at 9.  And each milestone she hit, she'd give me her little impish grin like she was waiting for the perfect time to show off her new skill.

She is such a little riot (in fact, one of her many nicknames is Margariot).  She is a little whirlwind of energy and enthusiasm.  We call her our passionate child.  She is fiercely happy or fiercely angry.  But she is fiercely loving too, especially when it comes to Mama.

It is incredible to watch her grow.  When Aurelia was a baby, I would tell her to grow at "just the right pace."  And for her, that pace was slow and steady.  For Marguerite, the pace is an all out sprint.  Each day she picks up words and skills.  Today her sister taught her to play "Ring-Around-The-Rosey."  Yesterday she learned that a duck says "Quack" and a light turning on says "Click."  I know she will be my little one that graduates high school to my laments of how fast the years went.

In the meantime, I'll cherish her laugh, the kisses she blows, the hugs she gives, the way she grabs a book and crawls into my lap signing "more," the way she wants to be just like Aurelia, and all the wiggles and chaos that make up our little Mogwai.

Birthday Girl

Buddies

Baby Mac

The cake!

Not too sure about it. . . 

But obviously warmed up to it.

Big sister was a fan too. 

Kate made the One shirt.  So cute!

And we love that Joey's parents live close enough to be at these events!

Happy Birthday to my special little lady!

40 Days

I am on the threshold of a season of change.  But today is not the day to post about these upcoming changes.  Suffice to say I have been preparing my heart and mind for a lot of unknowns that we'll get to know in the next few days.  There is a lot of blog worthy material on deck.  Cryptic, huh?  Side note: We're not pregnant or anything like that. . . although I've had two people ask me if growing our family was part of my thought in choosing the word "Growth."  That is definitely not part of the plan for this next year.

Change is a great way to stimulate growth.  It forces us to look at things through a new lens, to change our norms, to try something new.  Of course there are big life changes like moves, marriage, and motherhood.  But sometimes change is subtle.  Sometimes it takes necessary changes in habits and holdups to help us move forward and grow.  I've been thinking about these subtle changes a lot recently.  What do I need to change in my life to help me grow?  What is holding me back?

Fittingly, today is Ash Wednesday.  Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, the 40 day period of fasting leading up to Easter.  Every year I join the throngs of people that give up something for 40 days as an act of sacrifice and and to prepare our hearts for celebrating Christ (I realize this is lent in it's simplest form).  In the past I've given up things like refined sugar, caffeine, Facebook, or my IPhone.  And I've found that after Easter, I am less dependent on those things.  It's a great feeling to be free of a dependence on something that was holding me back.  This year I am breaking with character by writing about what I am giving up as an act of accountability and confession.  'Cause I have to admit that I have a serious addiction, and it's name is HuluPlus.

I could explain it away for hours: It's only when Joey is gone.  I'm a busy mom and I need mindless moments after long days.  I only watch a few shows.  I only watch when the kids are asleep.  I'll cut back, I can quit anytime.

But here are the facts, the embarrassing facts: I watch about at least an hour of TV each night after the girls are in bed.  The list of shows I watch is growing and includes shows that I don't even care about or like (i.e. Raising Hope).  I put off things I need and want to do in order to stay caught up on shows.  When I told my sister that I was thinking about giving up TV for Lent, she said, "Are you sure you can do that?"  But I have to try.  I read less, write less, and sleep less when I let my TV addiction get the best of me.

It's hard to foster a spirit of growth when I spend my nights doing absolutely nothing.  And I am tired of being stagnant.  With that I say, "Welcome Lent."  40 days without TV, 40 days to focus, 40 days. . . I can do this.

Growth

Welp, 2013 is well underway.  And here I sit, resolving to revisit this little space more often.  Blogs, they're great for stretching out my fingers and taking the time to really ponder what is on my heart.  BUT in this season in life, there are many days that I don't want to ponder, I just want to veg out and watch Switched at Birth on Hulu.  This season of life is busy, which means that I NEED to step back and wrestle through my thoughts or else they'll just fly right by.  Therefore, I'm back at this forsaken screen, greeting any of you readers who might still be out there with a "Happy New Year!"

Quick glance back at 2012: It was such a hectic year.  While ringing in the new year on Jan. 1, I was trying to think of anything significant that happened during the year. . .as I held my 10 month old daughter, the one who was born in 2012. . . Poor Marguerite, such a second child.  And it was a really full year.  Marguerite was born.  Aurelia took her first steps in July.  Marguerite took her first steps in December (crazy, right?).  We had adventures to B.C. and N.C.  We celebrated my 30th birthday.  We had a lot of fun times, a lot of challenging times, and a lot of changes.  It was a good year.

Now let's look forward.  I'm happy for a fresh start and new possibilities.  I've never been a huge New Year's resolution person.  I would fall into the category of people who give up on their resolution around January 14th.  Instead, I choose a word that I want to embrace for the year.  And it's interesting how that word really becomes a theme for that year (see determination, joy, and faith).  When I considered this year's word, I took into account areas where I wanted to see growth in my life.  I want to grow into a better me. . . a better follower of Christ, a better wife, a better a mother.  I want my children to grow into little ladies who are honoring, gentle, confident, and a thousand other things that all parents want for their kids.  I want my marriage to continue to grow and bring Joey and I closer as we celebrate a decade as Team Hawkins.  I want to grow into a better writer, a more consistent writer.  I want Aurelia to grow. . . as in literally grow (more on that later).  And I realized that my year already has a strong theme.  I want GROWTH.  And that can be painful, and hard, and tiring.  But it can also be enriching and empowering.  Growing is a necessary part of life, and I want to embrace it.  I want to celebrate it.  I want to work at it.  So, here I go.  I'll keep you posted on how it's going.